Just Sayin.....

 Good morning!

Tending the blog this morning and realized that one entry says.... 8 months to go.... I smile... so much has happened since then! Good and bad... I do have these great wedding shoes however, and 2 months 1 week to go... wow.....


I did manage to get the invitations weighed at post office,  and buy the postage and only one of the children yelled BOO at an old lady so it was a win.... Also kudos to children, youngest stamped 30 wedding invites with a return label and they look great! Also stamped the coffee table but its got a glass top so. no worries... plus as I may have mentioned I hate it so any excuse right?? Gorgeous out today!


Oh remember my tulips, the ones I planted with love and affection, the ones that would bloom right before the wedding to remind me of all the beautiful dreams and wishes we have for our life together? THEY BLOOMED! YAY! Not all of them mind you but about 20 or so. Plus crocus! Purple and white and deep pink!  I'm guessing the ones that didn't bloom had something to do with "hears hoping win win multi-state power ball!" 

I went up against the bridal industry and was found wanting....

Hallooo is anyone out there?

Well I have been to the gates of bridal hell and have run for my life.... It takes a better woman than I do this wedding planning, skip through the love fields stuff!!!!! I've decided that spending a year planning your wedding is a colossal waste of time. I was sooo haughty, so proud of being all ready and organized and then WHAM.... your DJ shows up in your courtroom... ok DJ gone... then BLAMO the  wedding venue starts overcharging for everything, switching prices and is suddenly unable to tell you the price of a mixed drink at the bar... "oh just run a tab" oh just run away!.....Then KAPOW all of a sudden guest list goes crazy! ZAPPO bridesmaids decide to wear matching J Crew dresses... fine with me but really? I thought the object of the game was too avoid that... but these gals are on IT. So casablanca blue and some other variation it is... but wait... now it doesn't match the men in jade.... arg...Ok so now we have to change the men to blue... men like blue... how hard can that be... BIFF! Response equals " No why should we change?"  Bla bla bla... but now we are on to Rio Periwinkle and if it doesn't work too BAD.


Finally we have a new venue... lovely inn just North on the way to Vermont. Easy access pretty view.... phew. So we book it, but now the rehearsal dinner needs to change location... arg... where to go who gets invited, can you really say "Thanks for coming in on an airplane from California McDonald's is down the road." No I think not... SO now we decide we will have it at the local equivalent of the elks, and serve lasagna and salad and invite everyone and call it a day. But then my dad calls and says ok I'll chip in so I don't have to eat macaroni and cheese... Thanks Dad... Really! But now the invitation inserts have to be reordered again..... Arg....three times is the charm....really...

Now here's a tale... I go with the MOH to the seamstress for my first fitting. Now we know I'm short... 5'1 to be exact... so really short and fat. We go to the seamstress I put on the dress, and the seamstress says well I have to take about 2 feet off the hem.... 2x12 .... really? how many 7 foot tall women do you know....? Just saying. Then and here is the really scary part, she says, well the dress is really a bit big so in order to get the right line I have to take it in 3 inches on both sides... Really.... I panic, no you must be wrong, if you take it in that much I will never fit into it ... I will have to stop eating! I NEED SOME MARGIN OF ERROR here for the love of Christ....Then we discover my armpits are being gouged because the dress is too high for me. Basically, I have become shorter and less rotund... Oh whee... Now I know some of you are out there dieting and jumping around and measuring every inch and pound. Good for you. Really. I , me myself, cannot handle that behavior, I am super invested in living as a free range fat girl, exercising, eating healthful foods and the occasionally cheese curl, and NOT I repeat NOT measuring things..... specifically inches.... I ate milk duds at a movie with my kids this afternoon, It was the only thing that kept me from smacking the little girls who kept crawling over my lap for 110 minutes... Of course now I'm paranoid beyond belief-what have those milk duds done to my dress situation? Really the last time I thought about this I was throwing up daily and measuring carrots. FINE my plan is to get married in shorts and a t-shirt....
Graphic language alert....
ok not for nothing but the 8 yr old just said " Whoohoo Im free ballin"  referencing his pajamas. OK.... I'm 50 and have no idea what that is. How does he know? Really....I'm troubled......

I am a bad bad bride..... I will not DIY, I will not throw the bouquet, I will do the electric slide and I did register for a freezer...I believe a gift card from sears is a fine present...plus then you know what people really thought of the wedding... 10 bucks means they hated the eats.... just sayin

For anyone interested the countdown is 70 days... my schedule looks something like this... Finish divorcing insane ex-husband, address invites, write 22 decisions, find DJ, mourn loss of parent, figure out how much liquor to buy for wedding, increase ballet from zero times a week which its been the last 3 weeks and find piliates class for the hopelessly weak, order hand fans, do laundry, attend funeral on undetermined day in May at Arlington National Cementary (plus figure how to get there and bring octogenarian Aunt in from Maryland), redo floral arrangements, try on wedding shoes, and then and only then crazed and starved will I crawl to the alter in my now mini too tight wedding dress held together with saran wrap because its too damn small....
I am not cut out for this.......however, I have three great women who are my bridesmaids and they will pick me up out of the dirt, brush me off, give me a snack and get me to the alter where my love waits for me along with two of the world's best kids, where I'm really hoping not to hear," Hi Tina I'm  freeballin it"....please god.  I remain RFB

Wedding Dress acquired, nervous breakdown over address stamp.....

Happy Valentines Day!
In a few hours it will be that time of year once again, the big day Valentines Day. I actually hate valentines day but secretly love valentines day but really hate valentines day... hmm I wonder if I will get a valentines day card...When I was single, and happily so I would just plummet into a deep rage on valentines day. I always wanted a dozen roses to arrive at the office with a teddy bear saying be my valentine.... why? Because I'm competitive as all hell actually.... oh yeah and the whole boyfriend, lover thing.....really it was about the prizes... now I have a this wonderful love and I think we are going to the movies to see the new Denzel Washington flick. I'm hoping for popcorn....I would say red robin before the movie but it will be a  crowded nightmare....and there's the whole paying for the wedding thing....

So here it is ...... wait for it....

I picked up my wedding dress. YAY! I still love it, and the extra fabric for sleeves... so loving it..... really... what can I say... I'll  tell you what I can say.... its heavy as all you know what... OMG I was a little tippy and am  listing to the right....  sort of teetering on the big round platform you have to stand on to preen....
BTW  wedding spanx  are so fabulous, sucks you right in. That woman who invented them is genius... however, I had to be helped into them....literally. Talking to my bestie boo about the dress and getting ready on the big day, we have just moved prep time back a full hour just for the spanx! But they are mahvolus...... beauty is pain... or whatever....I also tried on a rhinestone tiara.... SO FABU! but I was strong and declined... can we say age appropriate?  Ok so I'm never actually age appropriate but the line must be drawn at the BIG rhinestone tiara which of course leaves room for a smaller tiara..... which brings me to wedding shoes......

Now selecting shoes seemed to me to be something that comes at the very end say June. Once again, wrong....you have to have the exact shoes at the seamstress so she can hem and bustle appropriately... yes I said bustle....the three choices above are where I currently reside in my thinking. Although shoe number three can only be selected if I walk barefoot down the aisle carrying these babies..... but good shoe porn no?

so we are down to some sort of ballet flat or the wedding sneak... I'm leaning toward blinged out sneaker... think tromping around farm for photos  on hard pack dirt road and grass and barns.... just sayin.... So vote tell me what you think!!  Blinged out chucks may be the way to go...

One more activity for you dear reader... wedding music. Here is our  list so far of stuff to play at various times during the wedding... the processional is a problem, some stuff too grandeous, some stuff just gross..... all thoughts welcome!

Our Wedding Songs

Well that's all for now, time for sleep and to dream of the perfect cocktail napkins........RFB

PS cups on my foundation garment for the dress can also be worn as a hats..... really, fits on my head... geez...louise!

Dadddyeeeee! and those fat size sixes!

It is still dark, I open one eye and think was that "daaadee?" and why would a burglar be calling for his father? Oh wait the children, got it..... I nudge my beloved, its for you... "what?" " are you sure? I didn't hear it" "Yes" I reply.... Moments later 8 year old boy is in the bathroom where he stays for a really long time. I lie in bed thinking, why do I hear him at night and Ian sometime doesn't?. He isn't calling for me (thank you jesus) but Im the one awake.. hmm... Its not some weird bio connection via the womb, since I didn't meet him til he was six... (again not a problem) but I'm awake now!!!!!  Finally the toliet flushes and small slippers scoot across the hall. In silhouette I see child holding stuffed dog and waving. I wave back fantasizing that I will get more sleep. Perkily he says "what time is it?" Dad says "6 oclock".  I moan.  Now Im not against moaning in the bedroom, but am not that happy about being up at the crack of sparrows fart at 6 flippin am.  I close my eyes and think happy thoughts like " maybe he will go back to sleep" .....hahhahahahaha.   Next thing I hear is second child scuffling to bathroom. He is older and needs no escort...... then I hear into the darkness, "hey what time is it?"  Daddy says " six o eight in the morning?" I say " don't you have a clock in your room?" Answer = "there are only like three clocks in the house!"  Oh..... scuffly back to bed. Silence reigns.... beloved crawls back to my side, has cold feet.... literally.... I close my eyes and try to pretend I'm bivouacking on K2.....  and that the summit push doesn't start til nine......moments later light is coming in through the window... its 7! Its Saturday.... I hear, "what time is it?" Daddy says " 7:08"  small child runs across hall into brother's room flips on light switch to find a book.... brother awakens and then there are two children, five stuffed doggies and two cats staring at me in the half light. " You gonna get up?" As we stir, the rhyming starts, all sentences must rhyme for the next 12 minutes.
I finallly get up, make bacon only to discover children have gone back to bed til nine.

I also discover that a size six model is considered plus sized.... I will spare you my thoughts on our weight obsessed and fat bigoted society.... suffice it to say I'm about to vandalize the local weight watchers with a bag of burgers.......I will say this- some people like me are FAT.. I'm healthy, active and very busy so must I  be subjected to the faulty notion that I'm at death's door every flippin hour of every flippen day?  ( don't answer rhetoric here) Really enough. When we take to the streets it will not be pretty, but I guarantee we will bring snaxs! I say Occupy Jenny Craig!

Meanwhile I have found a location for the rehearsal dinner, and a caterer who does down home cooking and works cheap! Now if I could get my invitation thing in gear....... but first  its time to start thinking about feeding children again. Time to go to the store where I will buy, sliced ham and turkey, a clock for children's room and a pint of haagen daz with which to toast uppity fatties the world over.

I remain, RFB

Stolen New Year's resolutions

Happy Wednesday!
I stole this from this great blog http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/author/danceswithfat/ written by a dancer, fat person and activist, I am admiring more everyday. Everyday she writes things I think and validates my journey toward staying healthy and learning to love my body as it is.  Anyway she wrote about the fact that we all have the option to join the diet industry or to make our own way. Below is her option which is basically what I have chosen for myself but have been unable to articulate...ever.... basically its the option that has led me to stay off the scale for the last decade. I figure that I more then made up for it when I was weighing myself 12 times a day and throwing up all the time. No wonder the bathroom is the first room I did over in our house.... just kidding.... So here is her option and my renewed resolve for 2012 (it comes from a blog called when good friends do bad diets, I love it):

• You could love yourself, right now, as you are.
• Your relationship with your body could be healed.  You could start being grateful to your body for everything it does instead of buying into a bunch of marketing designed to make you feel like that you are the wrong shape and size and that you are flawed and unattractive.
• You could reject the diet industry and the message that makes them $60,000,000,000  a year and decide to pursue health through healthy behaviors, and stop worrying about what shape or size it comes in.
• You could stop confusing health and weight, and you could stop trying to solve health problems with body size interventions.
• You could take the time to learn what food and drink and movement and how much you and your body like (by trial and error if necessary) instead of allowing someone else (Jenny Craig?) to decide that for you.
• You could decide that you are the only person who gets decides how you feel about yourself.  It’s called SELF-esteem.  Not my-mom-esteem, or my-boss-esteem…
• You could love yourself right now.  Right. This.  Second.
• You could decide that there is nothing in the world that can stop you from loving yourself and your body because that’s what you choose to do and because you are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

  This what Im chosing.  It’s not easy but worth the trip I think..... The road less travelled blah blah blah....sometimes a scary place. But apparently I'm not the only one on it.... I remain RFB

PS Im on the invitation wagon train these days and am restraining myself from attempting to embellish my own invitations! 1. Because I don't have time 2. Because I'm greatly untalented and impatient in the craft department  3. Really not interested in publicly humiliating myself with sparkling glitter invitations with big globs of glue on them... maybe I can bribe the children into doing something with Popsicle sticks.. I have learned however, that craft projects usually mean we start them together, I do all the work and then the boys come in for the grand finale! While charming, it does not assist me in my attempt to pawn of an invitation DIY project.

PPS.  I spoke to someone yesterday about getting these great invitations I saw online. Letterpress... need I say more? So I called to inquire. . When we spoke she asked if I wanted to come in for an appointment.... I grew wary....I said " well what is the price range for about 50 invites and enclosures, blah blah blah? Pause, well she said " we've done some jobs for as little as $800 dollars and some for as much as $15,000. "   "Oh said I, thanks very much I will get back to you after I talk to my fiance." Click.    Later after I revived Ian we had a good laugh.... where is that glue gun? Maybe feathers?......RFB